Over All

I'm certainly not perfect. When my dear friend Zoe left San Francisco for Rio, I didn't say a proper goodbye

Before she left, I remember walking with her over the hill that separates our houses. The news had just broke that a rapist was on the prowl in SF's mission district.  She clutched a open Swiss army knife in her fist as she made her way around the hill. One arm was wrapped protectively around mine, while the other jerkily thrust her weapon in air with each swinging stride.  I can't recall  any details of our conversation, although knowing us, it was probably a heated debate about the homoeroticism in Moby Dick.
 No dear reader, it was not the night Zoe shived a guy on Bernal  Hill for looking at me funny. No, we didn't create a blood pact over his body, and then cement our allegiance to each other by purchasing matching half shirts at Wet Seal the next day. No,  keeping the sordid secret  between us didn't put a strain on our friendship and our sanity.There was no drunken blow out (with sexy results) at the Wild Side West. There was no downward spiral into the gutter for Julia. Zoe did not claim to be "appointed by our lord savior for the sacred duty of neutering the entire human male population of San Francisco." Julia did not alienate her devoted gay fan base (who liked her the ratty wigs, and the way her distended belly hung out of her half shirts thank you) by puking on those who paid $100 for front stage tickets to her "Back From the Gutter" Tour, and then literally stumbling back to the gutter with a full two hours left of her set remaining. Zoe was not known asthat 'neighborhood character' who walked around Bernal Heights and brandishing a plastic butter knife at phantom testicles. It's all flagrantly untrue, especially the rumors of a lesbian dalliance. The knife was just a knife,  the murder wasn't about unresolved sexual frustration, and they did not consummate their feelings in the early dawn on top of a freshly made grave. Last but not least, the pink half shirts with the heart, skull and cross bones, and daisy decal were not code for "I heartsapphic virginity and death rites" You are just a bunch of perverts who read into things way too much things. Yes, fortunately for us we got home with out incident.There were a few hushed conjectures about the possible threat posed by one sketchy loner walking through the mist 30 feet in front of us but I knew it was safe. Perhaps it's fool hardy of me but I wasn't worried about the rapists on that foggy February night. I was more afraid of the inevitability of Zoe leaving me again one day soon. 
 I thought she was being a little over the top with knife, but then I remembered a anecdote about the neighborhood she lived in Rio: Men drove around on Motorcycles with their fingers on the triggers of Machine guns. I guess you could say that she had her finger on the trigger that night.Or perhaps it was  her comfort totem. It was interesting how it made her look threateningly mature and childish at the same time.

But characteristic of her curmudgeonly old young soul. I love her rant about overalls in this letter. I appreciate Zoe's critical eye and the way she coldly steps back from the trend of the moment, may it be overalls or layering. It reminds me of my mom, who would make disdainful remarks whenever we walked down 18th, a street chock a block with fly by night fads. Fancy pizza, fancy ice cream, fancy beer. Like the overalls, evoking a certain notion of working class identity. Geared towards those with discriminating palates who associate the rustic flavors with integrity. A farmer grasping a scythe in tan work worn fists, his wife kneading dough with dexterous, capable hands, stout ruddy fingers wrapped around the handle of a frothy mug. Their own  soft, clammy palms perched over key boards all day long.

*****

My dad and mom went to high school together but didn't start dating until the late 1970s. They reconnected at a mutual friends wedding to which my dad had worn overalls. His date got pissed about this and refused to drive him home. That's where my mom comes in...

Who doesn't have a few skeletons in their closet?

People give negativity a bad rap. I know because I've always had some kind of chip on my shoulder for being a cerebral person, wary among groups, rarely letting go of my icy layer of judgment. Everything is about new innovation change flexibility acceptance love. Thus I appreciate how Zoe wears her iconoclasm like a badge of honor, flaunting it around like her little knife. And, besides, just because I'm negative person doesn't meant that I'm not capable of love. But yeah. kids these days, always following after the next new trend, thinking they can makeover themselves completely over with a outfit.
 Not that I wasn't susceptible to this mentality. Push came to shove after my mom died, and entered Berkeley. I was going to have the young, and carefree college experience, come hell or high water! And this was how I came to  reside in a coop with some die hard burners one semester. No, I have always disliked burning man types categorically but, it seemed like everyone under the age of 25 at Berkeley was into it so I tried to suspend my judgment, and just be chill, man. Oh how naive I was! The only way that would be possible for me to suspend judgment in that house would be to time travel back to 1967 and procure a prescription to whatever it is they're always downing in Valley of the Dolls. Needless to I had seriously overestimated my ability to tolerate what turned out to be the walking talking incarnation of my worst  nightmare. Such as the guy who lived in the walk in closet attached to my room. He prided himself on his enlightened take on sexuality and talked about his latest conquest as if it were a fluctuation in the the weather. Except, his sunny idealism was always bumping up against that pesky stick in the mud, reality. Why were girls always getting so emotionally attached? It was cramping his style; he just wanted to be free. Yes, the day of liberation would come that everyone started to behave just as you want them to. But maybe I was judging him too harshly, maybe I should be more accepting. But as usual, before I could finish this train of thought, he interrupted me: "What's with those?" It was pretty self evident that I was drying some bras on the chair next to my desk. He didn't wait for me to answer. "Well, you'll probably throw them out soon. No one wears bras here." The smugness in his voice killed me: he honestly believed that I needed to follow his patronizing advice if I was ever to free myself from the" yoked harnesses" of male oppression. Well free my breasts, that is. The rest of a woman was probably superfluous to his one man liberation front. Did I mention that the only article of clothing he was wearing at the time was a loincloth? He had fashioned one  out of a ti dyed tapestry.The irony was not lost on me that the fabric swathed around his crotch was the very same kind hung in dorm rooms to them look less sterile and institutional. He couldn't hide if tried.
That was around the point that I wrote Zoe this email
Dear Zoe,

Sorry for awakening you from your slumber tonight. I was just calling because I'm having a shitty night. I think I'm really starting to hate college. There was a reunion party at the coop that I live at and as such, there has been a perpetual drum circle going on downstairs  and a bunch creepy old people hanging around- some dude just grabbed my arm on my way through the kitchen and tried to take my picture....
It goes on
In a review Zoe wrote of a comic we both like she quotes one of the characters as saying, "the world is a horrible place filled with terrible people." That's basically the gist of  that email. Anyway, I bring it up because I really like the conclusion she reaches:

"Too many comics coast on manufactured nihilism, but Amy and Jordan feels like an act of exorcism, transmuting real anguish into entertainment. It is a testament to the the survival instinct. Amy and Jordan fly through life on irrational optimism, and it seems that creating them lets Beyer do the same."

*****

In my darkest moments, I view my mom's life as a tragedy. She had an abusive, alcoholic husband who she lived with until she died. She never filled her full potential and I didn't appreciate her enough.  She served her family tirelessly and didn't get anything back. Could you really blame her for smoking? It was really the only time she had a respite from all the stress.

******

I was 16 when I first started seriously hanging out with Zoe. In an article about her friendship with Harvey Pekar that started at around the same time, she writes "I remember one very serious conversation about living with chronic depression. He was amused that I expected him to have some words of wisdom on the topic, since he had struggled with these problems his whole life without overcoming them. Nonetheless, he did give me some advice that was both pragmatic and frightening, and I’ve tried to follow it ever since. I think Harvey didn’t even consider it good advice; it was just the only thing that worked. He told me that you have to force yourself to do whatever needs to be done to get through the day, no matter how you feel, and at some point later you’ll be glad you did."

She became a elementary school teacher in one of the lower class family neighborhoods in sf that all the yuppies forget exist. Many of the students did not get support at home, and some had serious emotional problems. One year some of them even formed 'a drug club' where they hid plastic baggies filled with chalk, pencil shavings, and monopoly money in a violin case. At first she thought they had a new found passion for music. These kids were trying at times and knew exactly how to work her last nerve, but she was committed to them. She genuinely loved them. She taught up to two days before she died and managed to attend one last graduation. After the doctor gave her the news that there wasn't much time left, she managed to cheer herself up by reminiscing over their glowing, happy faces, all  the boys who dressed up in little suits. Say what you will but  I think the insecurity that her life was a tragedy was unfounded. She hadn't fulfilled her full potential in life, despite certain shortcoming.

How can one fully appreciate another person's life over all? As Zoe says, words can't do it justice. The important people in my life come and go, change and grow apart from me. Meanwhile, I sit outside and try to absorb the precious love that I can. I love her.

A Real San Francisco Character

I suppose it was nothing less than destiny the night I spied John Waters hanging out at my local watering hole. While my chums made the the usual polite small talk, I had the gall (drunken idiocy) to go and suggest that his next  cinematic venture should be a overtly homoerotic revision of Moby Dick. Yes, I probably should have been working on my paper about Moby Dick instead of out gallivanting but at some point you have to let go of conscious control of your life and just trust that all the loose ends will come together in the end.

******

To say that growing up in San Francisco exposes you to gay culture is an understatement. I got full exposure, honey. In fact, I probably would have irreperable skin damage from years of wantonly sunbathing under those flaming hot rays, if the the mantra, "moisturize, mositurize, moisturize" hadn't been so thoroughly drilled into me somewhere a long the way.

Blair and my Sister

Now, I wasn't born yesterday I know that not all gay men prance around with and say "honey" as they give you beauty tips.  On the other hand, it is naive to think that some cultural stereotypes have no foundation in reality.   In the early 90s my mother would take me to her friend, Blair, to cut my hair. There are a lots of pictures of him holding me as a baby. His uniform at that time was a plaid button down  shirt, unbuttoned just enough to expose the gold chain that nestled in his sleek, and silky chest hair, tight high waisted jeans always with a comb in the back pocket. The shirt was tucked into the jeans, of course.  I never realized he was gay until much later when I learned that he died of aids. All I remember is that he refused to cut my hair short like a boys. When he got sick, we started going to Supercuts. They did it, no questions asked.

a

Serving Some Infant Realness

My first conscious exposure to male homosexuality came at age ten when my friend Linden's dad came out of the closet. A Vietnam veteran and ex marine, he had a magnetic Michelangelo's David on his fridge that you could dress in a sparkly red dress, or cut off shorts. A helpful introduction to homosexual male culture if there ever was one. You think I'm kidding but the shorts shorts were truly a harbinger of the future that was to come: Lending out all my spare leggings because everyone forgets that after the sun goes down in San Francisco, the temperature drops from just above booty short weather to 15 degrees below freezing your ass off. 

*****

My friend's dad carved boats and dreamed of adventuring at sea. He was kind of burly, rode a motor cycle and wore leather.  The  polar opposite of Blair. I could only wonder that he is what planted the seed that later germinated into the Moby Dick fascination.

*****

 One of my mom's pet phrases was, "so and so is a San Francisco character." It's hard to understand exactly what that means. The explanation that my mom gave was frustratingly obtuse: something to the effect of "you know it when you see it." As I've gotten older, the more and more I realize this is true. Like the flick of a wrist, it is both a  slight gesture and a flamboyant marker of identity. There is a difference between judgment and intuition; You know it when you see it but can't technically describe it.

,

Mary dressed as Divine

This is my friend Mary. I feel like our relationship to her is similar to the my connection to the city itself. She is a great influence on me but not in aggressive, domineering way. It is much subtle than that, but also more powerful. It is the difference between imposing yourself on yourself on your surrounding environment, and letting it shape you. For instance, her blog about style was somewhat of an inspiration to me. In particular, her writings about gay culture and San Francisco have been the template for writing this entry. 

I've been thinking a lot about how place shapes you. As you can see from my mom's diary from the sixties, it was impossible to escape the hippie wave. (For Mary and I, it was the rainbow tide). She did a lot of drugs, saw Jimi Hendrix, the Grateful Dead, the Beatles, wore peasant blouses, moved to Mendocino to live with a group of artists for a couple months, threw the e-ching, hitch hiked around Europe. 

On road trips my mom and dad would play their Doors and Pink Floyd cassettes on a loop. I suppose it was their feeble attempt to make  an 8 hour ride in a stuffy car that reeked of coffee and orange rinds a bit less oppressive. Unfortunately, it backfired miserably and  since then their music has been synomous with boredom and nausea.  When I was thirteen, 60s music was all the rage with my friends. I went out and bought Door and Pink Floyd compact discs as soon as a got tthe chance. Unfortunately, the urge to conform wasn't' strong enough to overpower my pavlovian associations, Rather it just added another layer. Now the queasy ennui, and stale car smell is mixed with the shameful memories of being a adolescent tool. Having hippie parents really takes the wind out of teenage rebellion.

People who move here pride themselves on their openness, their flexibility, their willingness to thumb their nose at tradition. On Saturday night, they go to clubs in Oakland where few white people dared to venture a couple years ago. The next morning, they drink lattes from four barrel and nurse their hangover. (single origin, roasted in house.) What a wild night they had! Better take it easy today. Hey, maybe we should get some ice cream later! There's this new place with a bunch of crazy flavors. My favorite is curried dill pickle drizzled with McCoy's cold pressed extra virgin olive. It sounds weird but its really good. Trust me.

I often hear complaints about crazy homeless people. Yeah, tell me about it; I grew up with it. I'll never forget the first time I rode a bus at age eight. A visibly drunk man got on. As he weaved down the aisle, his slurring loudly, his pants fell down. He wasn't wearing underwear.  When I was a teenager a homeless man with the ruddy complexion that comes from a life time of alcohol consumption sneered at me and asked, "Why you got so many pimples? You got Aids or something"  From my experience it usually the most hopeless cases that go for straight for the jugular. Toothlessly gumming gibberish soliloquy's you assume they are completely gone, off the planet. No, not true. Some how they know. And Just as it hits you that he is  calling your friend "A Fag," he spits in his face too.

  I watch my friend Phoebe pour a gallon fake blood on her friend in front of the Castro theater. When I take a picture, it is the cue for the iphone cameras to come out. Everyone wants a piece of San Francisco character for themselves. As long as it is through an instgram filter.

 It doesn't take a  genius to realize how antithetical it is to try and inject mass consumerism with the spirit of adventure. And, I guess the problem that's the problem I have with all of this:  how dull it becomes. The current ice cream trend- choose from a million different crazy! (bland) flavors is an apt symbol for what this  change has wrought upon the city and society in general. Much like these hideous shorts, it represents triteness with a disconcertingly tasteless edge. Cloying in it's flavorlessness. A stultifying similitude of options. The same old oppressive standbys dressed up as "rebellion." People really swallow it up. Interactions with deranged homeless people  are a walk in the park in comparison: they may sometimes leave a bad taste in my mouth but at least I know to spit it out before it poisons me. 
Not to say that I am immune to to the evils of capitalism. I have (eaten) the kool aid and cyanide flavored ice cream too.  We all have. Nobody is perfect. That doesn't mean we should give up striving towards our ideals though.

I have fond memories of decorating eggs with my mother on Easter. The thick wax candles used to scribble pictures that only could be revealed after being dunked in the dye, the funny yellow plastic pump that had a needle you stuck in the egg. It would making a wheezing noise as the yolk slowly dribbled out.

And of course, she had a streak (or patch, rather) of homeland pride 7 miles long and 7 miles wide: "You pronounce it Kearney (rhymes with Ernie) not kEARney, I don't what you heard the robot on muni say."

 She could be cantakerous about such things, but I paid that it no mind. I knew that she held on to the past because  she cared deeply about it. Style isn't some silly trifle, after all.

Indeed, it shapes us in a unified and consistent manner with out molding, or suppressing one's identity.

 

 Rather, it is the backbone that gives identity a recognizable shape, endows life with character.